Author Archives: Juan Verde

About Juan Verde

Juan Verde is former military, although the nature and thrust of his missions are highly classified. Suffice it to say if the world ends tomorrow, Verde will be the one low crawling through your front yard to steal your pork and beans from the garage shelf where you keep canned goods. Selah.

Being A Prepper Apparently Makes You A Murderer

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At least that’s that the Washington Post is insinuating in this article. I frankly never read the leftist nonsense from the Washington Post as a rule.  It’s bleeding-heart nonsensical liberalism at it’s worst.  However, since we were linked-to and mentioned in the article, I figured I’d respond.

First, and I can’t believe I’m still trying to explain this to grown ups, “zombies” are a metaphor.  A metaphor, for those of you who went to crappy, overpriced liberal arts colleges, is when you use one thing as a proxy for another thing.  In this case, I’m using zombies as a proxy for the end of the world by any means because, frankly, it’s more entertaining and the SEO is better.

Second, and this is the big one, being a ‘prepper’ or a ‘survivalist’ doesn’t make you a murderer.  I’m sure you’d like to outlaw prepping and survivalism and guns and bad people but that wouldn’t change anything.  Bad people would still murder folks using knives or rocks or sticks, or by pushing them off a cliff.  You get the point.  Or maybe you don’t, which is why I have to write this in the first place.

Three Ways to Keep Your House In Tact During The Zombie Apocalypse

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If your home is your castle, you’re going to want to pay attention. Why did people stop building castles in medieval times?  Because the materials they were using (mostly stone) became inferior to the technology being applied to seizing them.  Gunpowder essentially put an end to the castle.  Here are three technological advancements that can keep you in your castle a bit longer should the zombies start walking.

Invest in fiberglass shingles. Fiberglass roof shingles are an evolution of fiberglass technology, initially developed in the 1930s. The product is made with thin glass fibers made from silica which are bonded together in a process which about seven people on Earth understand, but here’s what you need to know. The material is basically fireproof. It won’t rot either. In most cases, it can be warrantied from 30 years to your lifetime in some instances. And, oh, gee whiz, it costs less too.

Build with steel.  We’re not talking about bullshit rebar either.  We’re talking about the type of backbone you can get from good folks like the ones at Armstrong Steel. Build a home.  Build a bunker.  Build with steel.  It’s strong, durable, and not easily broken, which can be of great benefit when you’ve got a zombie horde pouncing on top of your house.

Bullet-proof your windows.  It’s great for stopping actual bullets, but it will also deter zombie head butts.  Just ask Will Smith how problematic those can be.  With the advancing of technology, bulletproof glass films and windows are cheaper than ever.  Now might be the time to spring for an upgrade.

Zombie Survival Skills: Building A Fire Without Giving Away Your Location (The Dakota Fire Pit)

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So, presumably you’d like to be warm, since being cold sucks donkey nuts.  The problem, of course, are the hordes of undead walking around seeking brains from which to carve a snack.  You’ve got to have fire, but you’ve also got to be on the down low about it.  I’ve got a solution for you.  It’s called a Dakota Fire Pit.  Peep the knowledge:

First, dig a hole about twelve inches deep and wide.  Then, dig another hole about six inches wide a couple of feet away and in the direction of the prevailing wind.  Connect the two underground using your trowel, or a stick, or something.  It’s a frigging zombie apocalypse people, use your imagination.  It should look like this:

Dakota Fire Pit

I don’t actually recommend hanging your socks over your soup, but you get the idea.  The advantages of the Dakota Fire Pit are numerous.  First, you get concealable fire.  That’s a no-brainer.  Secondly, since the fire is contained and beneath ground, and it’s being fed by a restricted air flow, the fire will consume less fuel.  That’s helpful if there isn’t much to work with, or if you’re too lazy to gather a bunch of wood.

Yet another benefit is that the fire will burn much hotter than an above-ground fire.  It will heat water faster, cook meals better, etc.  You’ve essentially mimicked the design of those fancy new cooking contraptions they’ve come up with now, or rather they’ve mimicked the design of the good ole Dakota Fire Pit.